Not every mother is the same in showing their love to their child. Sometimes, it take a lot of time before you understand fully why they did something in the past to you. Not all mother explains things in words. Rather, they will wait for you to find on your own those actions that seems too harsh for us.
My mother is not perfect. Growing up with her was never easy. She’s strict and most of the time her anger was uncontrollable even to the smallest things. When I did something wrong, she beats me up until she is tired. She didn’t care if i have the belt mark on my legs. That was how she disciplined me.
I grew up in trauma. Every time she calls my name, my body chills voluntarily. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to run. I was afraid of her. When she was in bad temper, I prepared myself to whatever she will do to me.
My mother has bad vices (alcohol and cigarette). Everyday, you’ll see her with cigarette on her mouth and she’s drunk every night. I grew up with that kind of mother. When she was drunk, she always cry pitying herself. That irritates me and annoys every night.
I had so many bad memories with my mother but I know that there’s a reason why she acted like that. Sometimes, I feel more mature than her. I can’t understand her.
I am her daughter. Her one and only child. Despite of my mother’s imperfection, I want to love her still because she let me live. I appreciate every small act of my mother’s love whether it’s in good or harsh way. Again, she is not perfect. She has her own flaws and shortcomings. Now that I already know the history of my mother, I understand deeply that she needs that deep love, affection, and affirmation that she did not receive before. I understand her more now.
To the things that she had done me wrong, I forgive her and love her. I forget everything and just remember how my mother love me that much. She is the most strict mom but she has her own invisible soft part of her heart.
I will just remember how she drove me to the hospital because of my weak body when daddy was out of the town, how she bath me, clothed me, cook for me, teach me how to cook, teach me how to pray, hanged medal around my neck every recognition exercise, and disciplined me. I will just remember the happy memories that we spent together.
When I didn’t understand you, I was just afraid to you but I didn’t know if i love you. I just said that I love you because I was obligated to say it. But now that I am growing up, I can see those love in your actions and your hunger for love. I can say with true love in my heart that I really, really love you.
You and daddy are growing older. As time goes by, I know that I will be the one who will take care of you and love you until the end. Wait for me to finish this errands of my life. I will fix it all and comeback to you with open arms and whole heart. I miss your hugs. I love you mama.
Now, I know that my mother is a warrior.
Sa bawat paggising ko sa umaga, nararamdaman ko ang lamig at ang init ng panahon. Nararamdaman ko ang ngiti at lungkot sa aking labi. Alam ko kung masaya ba ako o hindi. Alam ko at ramdam ko ang kabigatan at kagaanan ng pakiramdam ko. Tumatakbo ang isip sa mga bagay-bagay na naaalala ko. Tumatakbo saisip ko ang bawat gawaing gusto ko at kailangan kong matapos sa bawat araw. Alam ko at ramdam ko na buhay ako. Buhay na buhay. Nakakakita, nakakarinig, nakakagalaw, nakakaramdam, nakakapagsalita. Pero alam ko din na patay na ako.Patay na ang ako. Patay na lahat sa akin. Patay na si Irish. Patay na. Magulo at nakakalito at imposible sa tingin ng lahat. Pero naiintindihan ko at napagtanto ko na patay na talaga ako. Hindi na ako ito.
Irish Way 