The Mother’s Heart

Not every mother is the same in showing their love to their child. Sometimes, it take a lot of time before you understand fully why they did something in the past to you. Not all mother explains things in words. Rather, they will wait for you to find on your own those actions that seems too harsh for us.

My mother is not perfect. Growing up with her was never easy. She’s strict and most of the time her anger was uncontrollable even to the smallest things. When I did something wrong, she beats me up until she is tired. She didn’t care if i have the belt mark on my legs. That was how she disciplined me.

I grew up in trauma. Every time she calls my name, my body chills voluntarily. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where to run. I was afraid of her. When she was in bad temper, I prepared myself to whatever she will do to me.

My mother has bad vices (alcohol and cigarette). Everyday, you’ll see her with cigarette on her mouth and she’s drunk every night. I grew up with that kind of mother. When she was drunk, she always cry pitying herself. That irritates me and annoys every night.

I had so many bad memories with my mother but I know that there’s a reason why she acted like that. Sometimes, I feel more mature than her. I can’t understand her.

I am her daughter. Her one and only child. Despite of my mother’s imperfection, I want to love her still because she let me live. I appreciate every small act of my mother’s love whether it’s in good or harsh way. Again, she is not perfect. She has her own flaws and shortcomings. Now that I already know the history of my mother, I understand deeply that she needs that deep love, affection, and affirmation that she did not receive before. I understand her more now.

To the things that she had done me wrong, I forgive her and love her. I forget everything and just remember how my mother love me that much. She is the most strict mom but she has her own invisible soft part of her heart.

I will just remember how she drove me to the hospital because of my weak body when daddy was out of the town, how she bath me, clothed me, cook for me, teach me how to cook, teach me how to pray, hanged medal around my neck every recognition exercise, and disciplined me. I will just remember the happy memories that we spent together.

When I didn’t understand you, I was just afraid to you but I didn’t know if i love you. I just said that I love you because I was obligated to say it. But now that I am growing up, I can see those love in your actions and your hunger for love. I can say with true love in my heart that I really, really love you.

You and daddy are growing older. As time goes by, I know that I will be the one who will take care of you and love you until the end. Wait for me to finish this errands of my life. I will fix it all and comeback to you with open arms and whole heart. I miss your hugs. I love you mama.

Now, I know that my mother is a warrior.

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Father and Child Story

I remember when I ask you about the man in the moon. “Dad, what is inside that moon?” I always imagine that the man-formed man in the moon was like those robots in the movie Transformers that I was once watching in my childhood days.

“It’s a giant, Irish. When you grow up, it will come out,” my father said.

That’s one of my memorable moments with my father that I really treasure. To be honest, I am a daddy’s girl. We have those precious memories that really wishes me to be that young Irish again.

When my father was out for work, I always wait for him to comeback. I was patiently waiting. When he’s home, I run toward him to hug and kiss my super sweet daddy. He buys me my favorite fruits, junkfoods, drinks, etc.

Everytime he date me, I always ride on his shoulder and I felt like I see everything. I was very happy even the smallest hours that we had. He’s my bestfriend, my love, my daddy, my super duper loving daddy. When I spill out any bad words, he corrected me by slapping my mouth and that made me not to do it again. That’s how my father disciplined me.

I remember the moments when my mother was out, you were  the one who clean my wounds, who drove me to the hospital every week, who bath me, etc. You are the best daddy in the world. One thing that I never experience with you: not once did you hang a medal around my neck everytime i had achievements.

Growing up is hard for me. Going to college far away from you was hard because i never lived on my own. To be honest, I felt pressured to study nearby because of the comparisons and your expectations to me. I chose to live far away because I want to become independent. I want to discover myself and explore the world that I never thought it was.

When I went home after the first sem of my college life, it was difficult because I knew that we were running into bankruptcy. We didn’t have enough money anymore. It was hard for you, I know. I couldn’t even look at your eyes before. We ate without talking to each other and looking into each other’s eyes. I didn’t want to shed tears infront of you before. I acted like I didn’t know anything. But, looking into our food and those people that we had leaving, I knew that we didn’t have anything anymore.

I heard you crying in our garage and asking mom how can you send me in college now that we don’t have something anymore.

That time,  I want to scream in tears. I want to ask why. I can’t accept this. I can’t accept that. Then,  I found myself pitying my own. I wanted to escape that nightmare. I wanted to escape the reality.

I didn’t have that motivation to study and found myself losing everything. 

But dad,  you didn’t give up on me. Until now,  you’re motivating me. I know that it’s painful for you not to see me and guide me everytime but your love is enough dad. That motivates me more to finish my college and give my diploma to you someday. I want you to be the one who will walk me on the stage.

You are always the best dad in the world. I love you no matter what. I will not give up dad. I’m praying that you,  too. Thank you for loving me and your patience on me. Someday dad,  you’ll see the fruit. I love you daddy.

Now,  I know that the man in the moon is you. 🙂

To Start Over Again

When I started liking you,  I thought that it’s okay. It’s ok not to like me back,  it’s okay not to answer my phone calls,  it’s okay not to reply to my messages,  it’s okay not to talk to me, everything that you do to me is okay. 

I believe that someday,  there will never be one-sided love. There will never be ignoring. I believe that two hearts will love both with the true love produced by that heart. Everything will be worth it. I believe that you will realize someday that love is the reason why everything is circulating. But,  I was just hoping beyond the expected.

Loving without expecting any return. We love because we want to love selflessly. We love because of love. I knew that I will hurt myself someday but I continued it. It’s ok to be hurt. It’s normal. 

Pero ang sakit pala. Madaling sabihin ang mga salitang ‘letting go’ pero pinipigilan ka ng ‘holding on’ mo. Sobrang hirap. Gusto mong umiyak pero walang luhang lumalabas. Napupuno yung loob mo kasi hindi mo alam kung paano ilabas. Ang bigat na pero binabalewala mo pa rin.

Alam mong lahat ng actions nya ay out of his generosity and likas talagang matulungin. Everything ay walang ibig sabihin pero you’re trying to dig things na baka it’s the other way around. On the other hand,  you know that his actions are empty. Napipilitan na lang because you made him accountable on you. You know na nagiging pabigat ka na rin. Nasa actions yan. He may try to hide it but you will feel it. 

You are doing the best for him. Even though you are whole day tired,  you always find time to know if he’s okay sa kahit na anong paraan. If there’s something wrong,  to the rescue ka naman. Inis na inis ka na pero kapag nangailangan siya hindi mo matitiis. You can’t tell everything to other people pero sobrang open mo sa kanya. 

While writing this,  andami na palang nangyari. Pero nakakapagod din pala. I forgot to love myself and it’s the worst thing that i did to irish. Am i too kind? Sobra ba akong magmahal?

Sometimes,  i ask myself kung bakit people will fall in love to a person who can’t love them back. Is it to be immune to every pain and hurt? Or to make us stronger? To determine and control our emotions? Or to realize that loving is not easy?

Yes,  I love you but the day of letting go is here. It’s now. Kung ikukulong ko lang ang sarili ko sa isang taong hindi ka naman mahal,  parang dove na nakakulong at hindi makalabas sa hawla. I free myself from that cage and fly as far and as high as I want to see that there’s more in love. 

It’s a good experience to love one-sidedly. I loved. I learned. I appreciate now the freedom of life. Letting go is really real. There’s no more to hold on.

Yes,  i still love you. Hindi madaling tanggalin o ibalewala. But if it’s for my selfish desire,  it’s better to let go. To let go of the things that you love and gave importance in focusing and fixing myself unto God.

Thank you for everything. When i say everything,  LAHAT-LAHAT without reservation. Hindi kita makakalimutan and you will be that name that is being carved in my heart. 

Let’s fix our eyes to Jesus and focus on His plan. We still are good friends right? 🙂

Irish,  this is your beginning. To start all over again dala-dala ang mga aral na napulot mo sa nakaraang pahina ng iyong buhay. 🙂

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WHEN I REALIZE THAT I’M DEAD……..

12376014_896865773768319_1793507054727873342_nSa bawat paggising ko sa umaga, nararamdaman ko ang lamig at ang init ng panahon. Nararamdaman ko ang ngiti at lungkot sa aking labi. Alam ko kung masaya ba ako o hindi. Alam ko at ramdam ko ang kabigatan at kagaanan ng pakiramdam ko. Tumatakbo ang isip sa mga bagay-bagay na naaalala ko. Tumatakbo saisip ko ang bawat gawaing gusto ko at kailangan kong matapos sa bawat araw. Alam ko at ramdam ko na buhay ako. Buhay na buhay. Nakakakita, nakakarinig, nakakagalaw, nakakaramdam, nakakapagsalita. Pero alam ko din na patay na ako.Patay na ang ako. Patay na lahat sa akin. Patay na si Irish. Patay na. Magulo at nakakalito at imposible sa tingin ng lahat. Pero naiintindihan ko at napagtanto ko na patay na talaga ako. Hindi na ako ito.

Sa paggising ko sa umaga, hindi na sarili ko ang iniisip ko. Hindi na ako masaya o malungkot sa sarili ko. Hindi na ako ngumingiti o sumisimangot para sa sarili ko. Hindi ko na nararamdaman ang bawat kabigatan at kagaanan ng pakiramdam ko para sa sarili ko. Hindi na tumatakbo ang mga bagay-bagay na naaalala ko para sa sarili ko. Hindi na ako nagpaplano para sa sarili ko. Hindi na ako nakakarinig para sa sarili ko. Hindi na ako nakakaramdam para sa sarili ko. Hindi na rin ako nakakapagsalita para sa sarili ko. Hindi na ako nagmamahal para sa sarili ko. Hindi na ako buhay. Hindi na talaga. Lahat ng ako ay hindi na para sa sarili ko.

Sa bawat paggising ko sa umaga, namumulat ako na pinagdarasal ang ibang tao. Umiiyak ako hindi para sa sarili ko kundi para sa ibang tao. Sumasamo, lumuluhod para sa ibang tao. Ang bawat lakas na hinihingi ko para ibigay sa iba. Ang bawat pagmamahal na hinihingi ko ay para sa iba. Ang bawat ako na hinihingi ko ay para sa iba. Lahat ng oras ko ay para sa iba. Masaya na ako na napapasaya ko si Lord. Masaya na ako na nakikita kong maayos lahat ng tinutulungan ko. At ito ag palagi kopinapaalala sa sarili ko: “Irish, patay ka na. huwag kang mag-isip at magplano ng sa’yo lamang. Be a Christ-like image. Huwag ka nag magworry para sa sarili mo. Hayaan mong madurog ang puso mo. Hayaan mo lang. hindi ikaw, siya, o ang panahon ang mag-aayos ng pusong ‘yan..”

Oo, killer ako. Oo criminal ako. Hindi ako guilty na pinatay ko ang sarili ko. At hinding-hindi ako magsisisi na pinatay ko ang “ako”. To die is gain. At nagpapasalamat ako kay Hesus na isinama niya akong mamatay sa krus. Katulad ni Barabas na namatay sa krus. Hinding-hindi ako masusuka sa bawat dugo, sa bawat sugat na umagos, sa katawang parang karneng isinabit sa krus. Yung karneng yun na isinabit sa krus ang nagbayad sa bawat utang ko at sa bawat multa ko sa mundong ito. Yung karneng ‘yun ang naglinis sa bawat putik na kinalat ko sa bahay na malinis. Yung karneng ‘yun ang nagligtas sa akin sa pagkatusta ko sa apoy. Yung karneng ‘yun ang nagpalaya sa akin sa ilang taon kong pakabilanggo. Yung karneng ‘yun ang nagpakita sa akin ng tunay na pagmamahal. Ang nagparamdam sa akin ng tunay na pagmamahal. Namatay Siya para iligtas ako.

Sinalo ng karneng ito ang mga sakit, luha’t, hapdi na dapat sana’y para sa akin. At pinili ko ding samahan ang karneng ito sa pagkakapako sa krus. Pinili kong madurog ang puso ko ng kung pa’no durugin ang Kanya. Pinili kong maging isang nakakadiring karne na isinabit sa krus dahil yung mahal ko ay isang karneng isinabit sa krus dahil sa pagmamahal Niya. Pinakita Niya sa’kin kung pa’no nga ba magmahal ng totoo. Pinakita Niya sa’kin kung pa’no saluhin ang bawat balang dapat sana’y para sa mahal namin. Pinakita Niya sa’kin kung paano ako namatay.

Hindi ko pinagsisisihan na pinili kong maisabit sa krus araw-araw dahil hindi ko pinagsisisihang minahal ko Siya. In the first place, hindi Niya naman pinagsisisihang minahal Niya ako kahit na lam kong hindi ako karapat-dapat sa pagmamahal Niya. Hindi ako karapat-dapat  pero pinamana Niya pa sa akin ang isang espesyal na bagay ni hinding-hindi mapapalitan ng kahit na ano man sa mundong ito. WALANG HANGGANG BUHAY NA KAPILING SIYA SA PALASYO.

-irish mae idmilao